Hospital for the Sick

Not everyone can be a doctor or a nurse every Sunday. This wouldn't be a problem if people weren't expected to always fill those roles every Sunday. 

People in Latter-day Saint circles sometimes say that the church is a hospital for the sick, but I don't think it's set up that way, at least, for males. A lay ministry requires participation by its members, more-so by it's Priesthood holders. And that participation requires worthiness. For those that are "sick", that "hospital" quickly becomes a very uncomfortable place to be.

There is no established method for communicating you are "sick", or don't want to "perform" within the Church but the peer pressure to "perform" is real.

Beyond unworthiness, "sickness", as in my case, includes social and performative anxiety. Speaking to the the congregation: panic. Blessing or passing the sacrament: panic. Giving a priesthood blessing: panic. Having a conversation with someone new: anxiety. Performing particular callings: anxiety and panic. Even when worthiness is not an issue, this mountain remains.  

We can't see what's going on on people's insides. By all accounts I appear as just another normal functioning human being but I'm not. That's why I sometimes envy those that are obviously physically or mentally handicap. People can tell from the very get-go that they are "different" and what their issue(s) likely is (are). No questions need to be asked or judgements passed. For people like me, it's not readily apparent and that increases the stress, the anxiety, the discomfort. And there's not really help for that in this "hospital". It forces me at some point to have to explain myself to those "running the show". Listing out and explaining everything that wrong with me is emotionally draining and incredibly uncomfortable. I am tired of having to do that.

No matter how much I have "performed" in the Church before, it has never gotten easier. I don't understand why I haven't received help from God, or what I am doing wrong to not make things better.

I wish it wasn't this way but it is, and has been most of my life.